Captain Willard: [voiceover] “Saigon.. shit; I’m still only in Saigon.. Every time I think I’m gonna wake up back in the jungle. When I was home after my first tour, it was worse. I’d wake up and there’d be nothing. I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said “yes” to a divorce. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle. I’m here a week now… waiting for a mission… getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around the walls moved in a little tighter.”

I’m not too worried about getting soft in my hotel room like Captain Willard, as I will be across into Cambodia on my mission in just a couple of days. That said my hotel is a comfy place, and if I stayed a week like Willard, I might not want to get back on the rails (or go back to the jungle) ever again.

A couple of days of rehydration therapy and some ciprofloxacin has worked wonders on my stomach, and I’m almost back to normal. I wonder how long it would have taken without the drugs? Cipro is a bit of a wonder drug for some quite nasty bugs, so good to have a few days worth in your bag in these parts. (If you don’t bring any, it’s available from the Vietnamese pharmacy without a prescription). The only lasting symptom seems to be sore ribs – probably from using muscles to vomit that I haven’t had to use in decades!

Its proper hot out on the street and it feels like it only takes 20 minutes walking to take a couple of litres of fluids out of me. The traffic is mad, and even though I’m signed off by The Green Cross Man and a practising member of the Tufty Club in the UK, I still occasionally need help here – a Police bike stopped just past me once today and a one of the Cops got off and escorted me over the road – how embarrassing, just when I thought I could cross a road like the locals do. The trick is simply to close your eyes and pretend there is no traffic – and keep moving at a steady speed – everything moves round you, but its a huge leap of faith!

I’ve been doing some currency swaps today. The banks wouldn’t touch some of my money, so I have been doing some secondary trading on the street – Russian Roubles for Cambodian Riel and Chinese Yuan for Vietnam Dong. I can beat the bank rate, but the US Dollar really is the only universal currency in these parts..

Its evening now and an I have tracked down a German bar I remember vaguely from a past visit called “Gartenstadt” – genuine imported Krombacher Pils on draught and lots of sausage. I know its not in the spirit of local food, but on long trips you need to vary the diet a bit, and I’m just happy to have an appetite again (and almost fully functional bowels). I haven’t mentioned the war, but discover that their wifi password is “Heinkel”!

I’m in a reflective mood once more. I feel that I should share that Saigon is technically the furthest that a European can travel to in Asia by rail (for me, from Amsterdam). My journey over the next 48 hours will be by bus across Cambodia (in purple on the map). I understand that a tender is in place to rebuild the Khymer rail network, but as of today there is absolutely nothing. So I hope that you will understand I have no other overland alternative and allow me to keep going. If all goes well on Sunday lunchtime I shall catch the “Cambodian Express” from Arampathat on the Thai border to Bangkok. I’m then back on the rails for the rest of my journey South.. As you can see here, I’m actually going to travel North to get there. The reason for this is that there are only a few land border crossing points into Thailand, and in places it is a bit tense, owing to longstanding territorial disputes. My crossing point will be at Poipet, something that I think is specified in my Cambodian visa.

On the consular front, tomorrow will mark my sixth consecutive visa. Fingers crossed, like others it will all work well – one of the harder parts of this type of rail journey is to get all the visa dates and validity periods linking up.
Bye for now & hope to catch you on the other side of the border!

This is the second rail leg of my Vietnam journey – this time on a train called the “SE3” – which like the SE1 also travels from Hanoi to Saigon, but setting off later in the day – so a lunchtime departure from Da Nang on day two. This hasn’t been a particularly fun trip, so apologies that there not many photos here, but you will soon understand why I was otherwise engaged.

11.20
Da Nang station waiting room is getting busier by the minute, as my train is delayed by an hour – also the time that the Northbound SE4 is due to arrive on the same platform – mild but managed pandemonium. I get a seat amongst a bunch of Vietnamese aunties close to the door of the platform and try to settle in, but something is wrong, I’m feeling a bit poorly. The waiting room is getting hotter, louder and I need to lie down.

14.10
Both trains arrive. Because of the way they are reverse shunted in to the station and new locos are attached, it would be quite easy to get on the wrong one. A kind porter helps me out though. A quick scrum and I am on carriage 11, berth 1. That’s like seat 1A on Concorde – only for people like Richard Burton and me! My immediate impression is that it is a good train – still generally grubby – but pressed clean white cotton bedding and air conditioning that is working well.

The samovar is also operational and I check the water temperature to make sure that its boiling (always do this). This train is painted blue, unlike the colour scheme of all the other state trains in Vietnam. Maybe its a Vietnameese version of the “Mallard”? It certainly won’t break any speed records – 15 hours to Saigon – but it might be a more prestigious train than the SE1. I notice that the guard has his own small cabin and the food trolley is much more extensive here too. Unlike the SE1, there are no women living in cupboards..

I try to settle in with my Vietnamese compartment mates, but have to lie down. I do my best to have a conversation but my mind is set on lying still and doing nothing. I must be ill as I find it easy to screen out the shouting and screaming and close my eyes for an hour.

When I open my eyes, back in the real world, to begin with I’m sharing with a Vietnamese lady and grand daughter going to see their relatives in Qui Nong, and also a medical sales guy going South to a meeting in Tuy Hoa. They are all charming, and I’m beginning to actually enjoy sharing a compartment with the locals. I swat a few mosquitos around me in case they might be a carrying a deadly disease – or as Captain Willard would put it I – “terminated their command with extreme prejudice”..

17.00
Shivering now, so get out my down jacket and try to sleep. My fellow travellers eat instant noodles and fried chicken from the trolley service. The smell to me makes me feel dreadful, but there is nothing I can do about it. I mention in passing I’m not well to the medical sales chap in the berth above me, and he wishes me a speedy recovery after Tet. I can’t wait until Tet to feel better though..that is 22 days away (Vietnamese lunar New Year).

18.00
Declare myself formally on “sick parade”, and break out the field first aid chest. I take all the pills that I dare, drink a double Dioralyte at an improvised dilution ratio and set up for bed. My stomach is cramping badly and I can only lie on my back.

22.18
A strange and urgent feeling that I haven’t felt for many years. I’m going to be full on proper sick. Right now. Shoes on and fortunately the toilet is empty (berth one is close by) so I just make it in time. Half an hour of projectile vomiting ensues. (There goes my record of not having thrown up since 1985..)

23.00
Feeling somewhat better, I turn in for the night. Sleep comes occasionally and with constant adjustment of the bedding. It’s mainly very cold, but warms up sometimes for no apparent reason, adding to my fever. The other thing that you have to contend with on the SE3 is the announcements half an hour before each stop. They are lengthy, highly professional and pre recorded in English as well as in Vietnamese – with game show music – maybe a Vietnamese “Who isn’t a (Dong) Millionaire?”, “Or The V Factor”? Anyway, I now know the population of every province we have passed through and their tourism selling points.

04.30
Get up feeling slightly rested, make some reasonable coffee and sit alone in the darkness whilst everyone sleeps fitfully around me. Start to write this blog. After 10 minutes I feel sick and head for the toilet (which I should mention is quite like a Russian submarine on this train – lots of pipes and valves,  and you would not want to press the wrong button). Spend another 20 minutes retching and heaving, even though I have not eaten for almost 24 hours. “Better out than in” as they say. The window is open in here and I’m soothed by the fresh cool morning air.

What has made me this sick? I woke up feeling okay this morning and went down hill as the day went on. Maybe a 48 hour delayed reaction from oysters and clams possibly..? My symptoms suggest it could be, as I have tingling and breathing issues too. It’s not an unexpected problem to have to deal with, but nonetheless a challenging one on a train..

Anyway I’m about to check in somewhere that I can convalesce in for 48 hours before I begin my fairly intensive trip to get me to Bangkok on Sunday night. I could name just a handful of hotels in the world that I would be happy to be ill in, and one of them is The Caravelle in Saigon.

The purpose of my visit is to seek out another personal recommendation from Neville of a great place to eat – his restaurant tips are sometimes not easy to spot or discriminate from the other places around them. On this occasion its a place called “Tuyet” which is a shack set back from the beach. He tells me to go to the where the road meets the beach and it’s the third place on the right hand side..it’s almost like I should have a code word or a secret sign!

I don’t need to work hard on my navigation skills though, as as soon as I get out of the taxi a girl recognises me from Hoi An and sits down with me for a chat. She helps with Neville’s food tour in the morning then sells jewellery on An Bang beach in the afternoon. There are a number of locals (some with disabilities) selling things and I immediately take a decision that it doesn’t matter that I don’t need what they are selling, but it want to help – so I buy everything offered, nuts, eggs, coffee, newspaper, and bangles. Maybe I will sell them on the next train journey!

The beach is unspoiled, the locals don’t hassle anyone, the food is amazing, and it’s populated by tourists who seek a beach which is hidden from the the other lovely (but more commercialised) Cua Dai beach down the road.

No sooner that I have I asked for the “Neville menu” I recognise an Australian family from the other day and we have lunch together over a couple of Saigon Beers. They are also heading over to Cambodia later this week – funny the way you keep bumping into people in this kind of caper – it’s the very definition of “small world”.

Lunch consists of clams, shrimp, local fish, calamari and a very special spring rolls with a kind of silken coating. Neville says this place is the world’s benchmark for this kind of spring roll.. In total I spend 260000 Dong, including beers – £7.44.

I sit on the beach for the afternoon content to read my book and watch the world go by. All too soon the sun starts to set and I realise I need to get back to my hotel and get my gear together for some train travel the next day. But I’m happy that I have spent a few hours in such a lovely place.

This particular motorbike was originally provided to North Vietnam by the Russians where it served as a Police bike for much of its life. It had a crew of three and space for a detainee where I’m sitting.. It still retains a working siren, but we don’t use it much as it scares the water buffalo.

It wasn’t a long trip (I wished it was – such huge fun!) but we quickly got “off road” and I was quite surprised what we were able to cope with – as were the mountain biking tourists who must have been wondering about the mushrooms they had in their Pho for breakfast..

The beauty of a side car is not just comfort – but also room for a picnic! Guan, my bike buddy, batman and guide (from the hotel) was just superb. And with a sidecar you can chat as you drive along..so “Easy Rider”!

We covered some mileage between farms, villages and lakes mainly on narrow paths. This was a side to Hoi An that I hadn’t seen before. At one point Guan turned the engine off, got out and pushed – I offered to get out and help restart our aged bike, but actually he was in fact just showing respect to a local funeral ceremony we were passing in a village that grew only kumquats..

The Ural was designed for rough terrain, and we put it to the test a few times! The hotel has about six of these bikes and two mechanics who try to keep the ancient engines working. The noise and the smell make it all feel very authentic – as does the need to double declutch and kick start the bike into life.

I have made a note to self to look at some longer bike trips in the future. All to soon we had to return to base..where I headed to the bar for an icy beer. I now dream of the possibility of riding a bike to Laos.

So I spent the morning meeting interesting locals and sampling dishes – 44 in all. I will just share a few discoveries here.. (and this isn’t the order I ate them in). Pictured here is one of the locals – “Jimmy” who is an ARVN veteran. He lost his left foot in the American War, so he walks around on a wooden stump. He is a man of few words, but as part of his unofficial diplomatic duties, he escorts us around the “Tiger market” like a sort of proud Vietnamese Uncle, if you can imagine that you had one.. (NB I didn’t actually see any tigers though).

“Pho Bo” – the famous breakfast dish of beef and noodles – “self assembly”, and I also added lime juice, chilli sauce, fish sauce and soy sauce.. Get the quantities right and its food heaven!

Madam Khanh is famous in Hoi An for her amazing “Banh Mi (Opla)” – a French bread type sandwich with egg. They call her the “Bahn Mi Queen” and she is something of a food celebrity. This is the closest thing you can get to a cooked breakfast in a bun – its a major discovery! Her simple street stall is a top recommendation for Hoi An restaurants on TripAdvisor. She has been in the same place for 40 years.. She planted the huge papaya tree that now provides shade over her stall. The results are utterly delicious and I need to do further research into the humble Bahn Mi!

Some “Bahn Xeo” (I think) in the Tiger Market.. A savoury crepe with pork, shrimp & bean sprouts.

The famous Cao Lau noodles being dried in the sunshine. The flavour comes from the local well water..

“Thit Nuong” is delicious street meat marinaded in lemongrass, turmeric and honey.

Ice cream from a local street vendor – our group got through about 30 of them – coffee, coconut and even Red Bull flavour!

My job now is to spend a few days eating in the very best places for each of the dishes I have discovered. It’s going to be hard work.. A top tip from Neville is that “yummy” (a natural reaction to most of the food) is a vaguely rude word here – “its delicious” is a better alternative and sounds like “nong lamb”..

Neville makes my day with his passion for Vietnamese food. At the same time it’s rewarding to see how the locals warm to him. I was also touched to find out how he raises money for Agent Orange victims, and everyone on the tour helps out a little bit with this.

If you are ever in Hoi An, this is a must do!

I have checked in to a lovely French hotel (the Victoria) that is modelled on a local village – a kind of Vietnamese Portmerion. Its mainly full of wealthy French and Spanish tourists from what I can see. The staff are amazing and quickly adopt me as a mad Englishman that needs help.

In the town well travelled tourists mingle happily with the locals and life is good – in a Disneyland sort of way. It’s also very beautiful, and pretty cheap.. Hoi An is a UNESCO world heritage site now, but long before this cars were banned, and nothing new has built in the old town for a lifetime. There is even a ban on bike horns, but the locals don’t seem so clear on that rule.

Its the sort of place that you can get anything done in, so I have spent the afternoon moving between the optician, tailor, hairdresser and pharmacy. The locals know exactly what the tourists want – my local dodgy DVD shop has a top shelf filled with every single American war film, plus the Vietnam “Top Gear” Special!

For the record, the “set” here seems to be –

“Apocalypse Now”
“Platoon”
“We Were Soldiers”
“Full Metal Jacket”
“Good Morning Vietnam”
“Hamburger Hill”
“Casualties of War”
“The Deer Hunter”
“The Quiet American”
“Indochine”

Interestingly “Air America” is nowhere to be seen. I guess the Vietnamese DVD shops feel it was made before Robert Downey Jr was at his best. I would like to see some cult stuff on sale though – maybe the much under rated MIA classic “Uncommon Valour” – Gene Hackman, Fred Ward, and a very young Patrick Swayze.. I also think that “Flight of the Intruder” should be in wider circulation than it actually is.

My main priority here though is food – I’m going on a total immersion (or a “deep dive” as some of my old marketing colleagues would call it) into local cuisine, arguably the best in Vietnam. More of this to come..

I couldn’t stop myself from watching “Apocalypse Now” before retiring last night. Its kind of wierd that the CIA (known in the film as “Comsec 1 Corps”) were based in Nha Trang, given it now feels to me like a Vietnamese Blackpool.. I have almost perfected my Robert Duvall “Colonel Killgore” impersonation – “I love the smell of napalm in the morning..” – the full speech from “smell that, Son” through to “someday this war is going to be over”.. Its definately my favourite post WW2 war film, as long as you don’t count “The Wild Geese”!

I’m staying at the Furama, a great place on the beach on the outskirts of Da Nang. It wasn’t my original plan to stop here, but it was one of the few places not trying to fleece me for staying over at this time of the year – and I’m in luxury here – it’s really nice.

I feel I have to mention, just in case you don’t know, that this city boasted the busiest single runway in the world in 1972, home to many US military outfits and was the most Northerly airfield in the Republic of South Vietnam (only 60km South from the DMZ).

I had an “interesting” foot massage outside the hotel yesterday afternoon. In fact my feet were seemingly a very small part of the deal, so no idea why it’s called a “foot massage” unless its a local euphemism. There is a cottage industry here built on people like me not wanting to pay hiked prices for things from expensive hotels, so you can get your laundry done, have a massage, organise a tour and buy a bottle of Dalat wine all in the same place.
I try one of my few Vietnamese negotiation phrases out – “Muc Wa!” – but on checking with a friendly shopkeeper the way I pronounce it, it actually comes across as “I’m very tired” rather than the intended “that’s a real tourist price” – a little Vietnamese is a dangerous thing..

Living on trains makes you really appreciate the smaller things in life – beds, running water etc. I actually have a full week before my next train, so I’m quickly sliding into full tourist mode. The shorts, book and sunglasses are out the bag..

Of course there is no single train called “The Reunification Express” in Vietnam – that would be like East Coast calling the 08.30 from Kings Cross “The Flying Scotsman”.. Having said that I have a ticket on the SE1, so I’m going to imagine it is the closest thing to this mythical train, going all the way from Hanoi to Saigon in three days. My destination is Da Nang – 15 hours south of Hanoi in Central Vietnam.

After China, getting on this train was very straightforward – no big queues in the station – and the platform was opened an hour before departure, with just a cursory ticket check.

The train is about ten carriages long consisting of soft and hard sleepers, soft seat carriages and a restaurant. I’m in a four berth (second class soft) sharing with Rob, from London, travelling to Hue, and Mr Chi a Vietnamese Canadian, travelling with his sister’s daughter, Ram, on their way home to Can Tho (a place that I have actually been to in the Mekong Delta). Mr Chi left Vietnam in 1979 and went to Hong Kong, then Canada. I’m guessing he was one of the Chinese descended families that left when they were persecuted by the government after the war and became what I knew at that time as “Vietnamese boat people”.

The SE1 is better than my M2 from Dong Dang, in that is the right temperature and has no signs of rodent or insect infestation. It is quite a lively place. Music blares from the corridor and people shout at each other from opposite ends of the carriage. The conductor makes occasional chatty announcements on a PA, but I have no idea what he is saying. The train rocks, bounces and sways with a motion that feels more like a boat in a swell than something actually on rails. It’s pretty grubby, but not so bad as to be a problem. My impression is that Seat Sixty One is slightly too genorous with its descriptions of how “comfortable” trains in Vietnam are.. Douglas Adams might have called them “mostly harmless”..

The staff are quite informal by Chinese standards and perch on collapsible chairs at the end of each carriage drinking tea from proper tea sets and sending text messages to their friends. They don’t seem to have their own compartment. There is also a strange arrangement in our carriage with a woman who lives in a cupboard, but she can’t lie down with the door closed so her feet stick out on a stool and the opening is covered with a purpose made curtain. I have no idea what she does or if this is an official role.. Elsewhere there are flushing toilets and an open plan wash room at one end. The doors between the carriages flap and bang with the swell and provide some ventilation.

Rob is up for a beer, so we walk forwards nine coaches to the “restaurant” carriage. Not much food on offer, but we find all the off duty staff on the train smoking and drinking. When we arrive its pretty busy and we sit down next to a couple of locals who quickly move on in case they catch something from us. Icy cans of “333 Export” for 15000 Dong (43p). I love ordering this beer, as its one of my few passable Vietnamese phrases – three is “ba” in Vietnamese, so a 333 is simply a “ba ba ba”. A very satisfying piece of school boy linguistics. Rob tells me he is going to travel from Hue down to Hoi An by scooter –  a real “Top Gear” type adventure.

Life in the soft seat carriages looks tough. It’s packed, and quite a few people sit in the aisle on extra plastic stools. People are either watching a Vietnamese version of “Eastenders” on the small roof mounted TV, or covered by their coat trying to sleep. I do my best not to bump into people asleep as we walk through trying to anticipate the rolling motion of the carriage.

I took a sleeping pill and managed to get some rest. On the plus side these trains have no seat backs, so in the bottom bunk you get the full width of the bed, making it more comfortable for big chaps like me. My problem was I needed an extra pillow and I may do something about this for the next leg. The bedding looked clean and as the train was starting in Hanoi there was no issue with it being second hand. The bedding isn’t changed when passengers get off, but is just nicely re folded. I have a sheet sleeping bag and really must start using it.

The samovars are unserviceable throughout the train, which has somewhat thwarted my catering plans, but there is a good supply of decent local coffee from the trolley service. Mr Chi tucks in to the lunch saying its good, but I have my doubts.

We are running about two hours late. Its a single track in places so we have to wait for the Northbound trains to pass in stations. With luck I should be in Da Nang for lunchtime. We have been through Hue and the Hai Van pass over the mountains that looking back over the beach reminds me of “Charlie’s Point” from “Apocalypse Now””.

Its New Year’s Eve, so I need to get myself into a more celebratory mood.. I’m also wondering where might be a fair place to break out my shorts. The weather in Central Vietnam is almost warm and cloudy, so this could be it..

So a day munching through the streets of the old quarter with a guide called “Johnny” from a great little company called Vietnam Awesome Travel that I tracked down from TripAdvisor. Lunch started at 11.30 and finished at 16.30! The idea is only one dish at each place, washed down with some Hanoi Beer of course..

There was a mixed international group of about ten of us, and we were asked at the start if we wanted to try specialities like dog and various insects. The consensus was that we didn’t, so the places were chosen on this basis.

The first place was all about duck with duck rice. The secret is in the dipping sauce..

The duck was accompanied by salad, shallots and some aniseed tasting local herb that looked like basil but clearly wasn’t.

Next up was a street snack of rice with pork sausage – the dish was stuffed with “pate” of some sort – I wasn’t sure about that one..

Next up were some (sea) worm fritters. The worms looked disgusting, but once in fritter form they tasted quite good.

Then we moved on to mushroom and shrimp dumpling rolls – very tasty with coriander fried onion and a light dipping sauce.

Seemingly out of sequence we then had a course of banana fritters..

And then some fish. Apparently its unusual to get fish dishes on the street, so we were inside a proper restaurant for this.

Fish dish of the day was catfish, fried and then served in do it yourself rice paper rolls with noodles, peanuts, herbs and cucumber. Again it’s all about the dipping sauce..

The next place was more of a place to drink the local draft home brew beer – “bia-hoi” – incredibly refreshing and cheap at a few thousand Dong a glass.

Some sort of sausage rice paper roll snack to go with the beer..

Finally to a hidden place serving quite a famous local drink to wash it all down – egg coffee. This was served in a bowl of hot water to keep it warm as you slowly drink it.

I possibly regret not trying some insects today, but will make up for this further on my trip I promise!

One of the enduring good things the French did in Vietnam (other than import its taste in baking, brewing and the guillotine) was to popularise coffee and cafe culture, and it thrives today across the country. At the end of a long lunch (about seven courses in five places – more on this to come) I stopped at one of the many coffee roasters. Not to taste any old blends, but to appreciate the role of the weasel in high end Vietnamese coffee production.

Just to help you catch up if you are not familiar with coffee from Vietnam, most of it’s crop is lower grade robusta beans, the stuff they blend into all sorts of freeze dried coffee around the world. This tends to give it an undeserved reputation for cheaper coffee. I actually really like the robusta bean, but in the West its the arabica bean that is King, and Vietnam does grow some arabica in its highlands around Dalat.

Street coffee in Vietnam involves some super freshly ground beans and a simple tin filter that sits on top of your cup – a brilliant solution for good tasting strong French style coffee.

However if you peruse the beans on offer most Hanoi or Saigon roasters they will have an array of more exotic options. You may have heard of Kopi Luwak – the rather expensive Indonesian coffee with a USP that it’s been excreted by a civet cat. Well in Vietnam, the humble weasel plays the same role in the coffee production process. It eats the beans, digests them and excretes them, giving them a unique flavour. Once cleaned up and double roasted you have “Weasel coffee”!

You have to make a few more decisions though – what grade of weasel coffee to have, and do you want your weasel to be organic? Along with Johnny, our brilliant street food guide from “Vietnam Awesome Travel” I sat with a friendly Kiwi family trying some of the coffees on offer. We couldn’t work out if the grade one status is a reflection of the better quality bean or the better quality weasel, but it packed quote a punch and had a distinctive chicory aftertaste – less bitter than the grade two (both use the Vietnamese arabica bean). They even had a special version called “Weasel Legend”!

Grade one weasel coffee here costs about $65 a kilo, considerably cheaper than its famous Indonesian rival. I recommend you try some if you ever get the chance, and I’m going to bring a supply home with me, so do pop by my kitchen if you want to give it a go!